Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

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#19076
Anonymous

I’d suggest pruning the final stanza/paragraph to hone in more closely on what you’re wanting to say. I like how you wield cacaphony throughout the piece but I found myself wanting more focus as it wraps up. I’d suggest cutting the Mythbusters line and ditching the bull and the bear — the elephant and the dolphin will have more impact if they’re not competing with two other large animals. “It’s just your brain biting at the past” has enough teeth without the bear trap line.

Finally, I’m curious about what you mean by the final line and how it relates to the preceding thoughts. It’s a wild image, and I like it, but I don’t quite *get* it. Could be because I’m not always the most nuanced poetry reader or it could be that the final line needs tending for clarity’s sake.

(I’m assuming that you’re into detailed feedback because of how generously you give it).