Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

Home Forums Hauled Off and Hit – Workshop Forum Week 3 Posts – December 5th Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

#19179
Anonymous

Hey Tracy, thanks so much for sharing your work with us!

First of all, I love how candid and self-aware you’re being in this. A lot of people shy away from it but it’s at the core of any real change IMHO. I think my overall suggestion here is just distill it down a bit further. There are so many strong lines already but it feels like there are lots of little opportunities to shorten/strengthen bits like, “I stand naked in front of the mirror / I see my reflection through faded shades of fire / I’m covered in soot”

feels like it could be just a bit more potent as something like, “I stand naked in front of the mirror / I see myself through faded shades of fire / I’m covered in soot”

I think if you played around with distilling down throughout this piece it just might help it pack even more heat and keep the pace going at a really nice speed!