Hi Jamie, thanks so much for sharing your work with us! Especially work so close to the bone!
Immediately I can tell you’ve given this an awful lot of TLC and have edited so much. It feels really strongly distilled throughout.
I do wonder whether stanza 2 really fits as is. At the moment it currently feels a little bit like something that had more connective tissue that eventually was edited out. It might be a bit too lonely at the moment, I’m not sure.
And, generally, that’s my only other suggestion for potential improvement really. I wonder if a bit more connective tissue wouldn’t make this feel more fluid. But you might have been going for the staccato effect with the numbers etc. anyway and, if that’s the case, you’re rock solid!