- This topic has 128 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 8 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
November 14, 2021 at 12:39 pm #18585buddyupKeymaster
Post your Week 2 Responses here!
November 25, 2021 at 1:35 am #18872BuddyKeymaster
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
It has just now come to my attention that the recording wasn’t been posted within 48 hours like I said it would be. My apologies for that. Here is a link for the first week’s recording until we can get it up in the Course Materials section. Please do not share it:
SESSION 1: https://us02web.zoom.us/rec/share/psNkuPMa-0QTDHw6ogVVH6RiiIsprlaH0v0fLY1-8_MZ6O-pa7KHzKA_2JM3PoFD.-ywerZfcgFrm1JXu?startTime=1637519458000
November 25, 2021 at 1:37 am #18873BuddyKeymaster
Now post a poem for WEEK 2 in here!!
November 27, 2021 at 4:59 pm #18964Anonymous
Wow. I can’t believe how fucking mixed my emotions are about this week’s post. This is my week 2 post, up for judgment by Buddy and awaiting unworthiness. I’m usually more confident w/ my work. Not this time. I’m supposed to have a reading of it scheduled tomorrow. My apologies it’s coming so late.
Also, I have to leave right at 2p my time, tomorrow, which is 1p Pacific, which is the end of the normal class, so if my inchoate writing doesn’t get looked at in time, it’s all good. I’m happy to await evisceration the following week. I have to go watch my daughter in The Nutcracker right at 2p my time and I’m happy to do so. Peace Buddy and everyone. My file is attached below.
November 27, 2021 at 5:04 pm #18966Anonymous
Reading some of all y’all’s samples, I realize I wanna get rid of the rhymed verse. It’s likely killing this poem. And if that’s not it, it’s just probably not a good poem.
November 28, 2021 at 6:20 am #18989
I don’t think the rhymed verse is killing the poem. In fact, some of the rhymes are so brilliant I made the noises some people make when football is on…stuff like, “wwwwwhat?!” and “Ahhhhhhh!” Jokes/anecdotes, worth/unearthed are two fantastic examples.
I was especially starstruck by, because, well…me too:
That’s my fault line of misrepresentation, that’s my letter left unsent
And I’ll speak to gurus and rabbis and shaman to exorcise my resentment
For editing: Because there is a consistent meter here, it is especially notable when it is awkward or slightly off. So maybe not going to the extreme of counting syllables (though I imagine that would not be unfun), but listening with you pen, if you will, for places to make more or less sound per line.
November 28, 2021 at 7:26 am #18995Anonymous
Heyo Sean! Thanks for letting us read this. You should have more confidence my man! You’ve gotta lot of cool stuff here. I’ve left some comments in the document below.
November 30, 2021 at 11:04 am #19039Anonymous
Hello! Appreciate you sharing this piece. I wouldn’t scrap the rhyme scheme just to scrap it. Proper forms can be enticing to read. The trick is laboring over every word choice and the way each line is built, so that the rhyming words don’t seem predictable or cliche. Piggybacking on Codi’s note about bore/chore, rough/enough. The beauty in a lot of rhyming pieces is when the rhyme seems to be secondary to the piece, when the visual and metaphoric elements outweigh the structure and sound.
When your piece uses lines like “the mirage of you in my bed” I wanted you to draw that out more. What does this person look like in your bed? How do you know it’s a mirage? What kind of landscapes erupt in you when you fall for the mirage? As the reader I want to explore that more, I want to experience the mirage with you.
Also thinking about cadence and syllable count, how each line reads out loud. Specifically want to focus on these lines:
If you can’t read my sky writing, if you can’t perceive my emotions are bared
I read your ignorance as willful not blissfully unaware
I admit my candidness is impoverished, I can’t seem to come clean enough
I refuse the deep well of my own truths, and the going is getting rough
There’s some tongue-twisty word use and sentence structure that can be confusing for the reader. The first line in this section has more syllables than the line that follows, which makes it kind of clunky in the reader’s mind. Establishing a flow and structure within each line can help support the rhyme. (Also a note that my brain locked onto the placement and pseudo-rhyming of ignorance and candidness.)
I would also suggest exploring a structure in which the end of each line does not have to be the conclusion of the thought or the sentence. I in no way want to rewrite anything you’ve done, but in an attempt to demonstrate the notes I’ve made, I took the four lines from above and reworked them as if I wanted to communicate a similar idea/theme. Take it or leave it.
I felt big as the sky in your presence, I could lift airplanes on a kite string
and still find wind enough to say your name in a tuft of clouds. Swing
blissful in my direction, I want to keep candid as a high tide at sunrise,
but I’ve watched you turn your back on such things, to my surprise
you might willfully miss the boat, my love.
I hope this is constructive and helpful.
November 25, 2021 at 3:26 am #18874Anonymous
Hey everyone!! Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it.
Here’s my submission for week 2. I’m submitting this because there’s a layer to what I’m trying to say here that I just can’t seem to get to. It’s not fully cooked yet. See you all soon. Keep writing!
November 26, 2021 at 11:33 am #18904Anonymous
Hey Tracy, can you tell us non-poetically what the missing layer is?
November 26, 2021 at 12:19 pm #18908Anonymous
This piece is fueled by anger and angst, albeit in a healthy manner. But in my experiences, anger is passionate pain. It masks what the true emotion or situation is, and I feel like that’s the layer I can’t get to. Every attempt I make feels like it’s a diluting the message. So I’m not sure what to do with this one. Revise it with some badass input, or leave it and write a, “B Side” companion piece.
November 28, 2021 at 10:01 am #19002Anonymous
Gotcha. I agree that behind anger lies pain. One suggestion is to try some specificity about that pain. What was it that hurt so much, that got you so pissed you wrote a whole poem about defying everything that’s trying to make you small?
November 26, 2021 at 4:42 pm #18917
what I loved most was:
Let it shine through those beautiful eyes.
Let it warm the coldest places in that duct-taped, Gorilla Glued and spray painted beautiful heart of yours.
Let it chase away all those sorry-assed non believing infidels.
because I felt that bit in my body because my mind could picture it; maybe that’t the missing layer you’re reaching towards?
November 26, 2021 at 9:55 pm #18935
Tracy, I def felt energy coming from this piece. Have you considered letting it breathe and moving to the poem that really wants to be let outside to play? Are you afraid to just name the thing you want to say? Some poetry is just for us as in our own selves to help salve the unspeakable. Is that this kind of poem for you? Is the one poem hiding in this poem that poem for you? I am so excited for this journey for you!
November 28, 2021 at 11:40 am #19011Anonymous
This piece grabs you by the arm and gives you a big shake. It’s like an anthem – I love how the anger unwraps liberation. “Because.You. Matter.” How do you feel about the repetition? Great piece!
November 30, 2021 at 11:17 am #19040Anonymous
Hello Tracy! Buddy gave some really great feedback on this piece on Sunday. Understanding that the anthem you’ve written here is intentionally vague and that you’re exercising a healthy funnel of anger, the only note that I feel compelled to add is that as a reader I’m left wanting specificity. In the first stanza alone, I want to know what’s been accomplished. I want to know more about the relationship between the “you” and the universe.
Hoping you’ll continue to explore the themes in this piece through a tactile lens. Don’t be afraid to get granular and metaphysical. :)
November 25, 2021 at 9:37 am #18891Anonymous
hiya folks – here’s a 3 part poem. open to thoughts!
November 25, 2021 at 10:10 am #18893Anonymous
hi y’all, I updated my post so let me know if you see the poem, it’s attached. it’s 3 parts
November 25, 2021 at 6:23 pm #18896Anonymous
Grayson. My friend. I can’t even start with all my favourite lines in these three pieces. I’m just going to pick two. The first two lines of Juniper. I can still hear them echo in me. And “because even what you hate deserves to rest”. I’m working on it my friend. Thank you <3
November 26, 2021 at 11:38 am #18905Anonymous
Hey Grayson, always a pleasure to read your words. My favourite is the third piece. I wonder if you need the line “synonymous with trauma”? I think the next bits would pack more heat if you cut that line.
… Are the last two stanzas arguing with each other? The four-line stunner about no longer being afraid of the pain, but then the last stanza suggests that through great effort you’ve insulated yourself with lies. I guess I’m here saying again 1) I really like this poem but 2) I don’t really understand the ending ;)
November 26, 2021 at 4:46 pm #18918
When I got to the line, “trying to arrive here empty handed” I burst into ugly tears. I hadn’t realized how much I want that too.
Thank you for getting me there.
November 26, 2021 at 9:43 pm #18934
“the next moment
the same hands
choke the difference out of me”
“I knew a guy who lost over 100lbs
by running away from himself”
and the line, bury me in a coffin of mushrooms. ahhhhh. that was a stunner of a line, thank you!
Finally, I am in love with everything that comes below
III. I am a town of perpendicular streets
That final part is wow!
November 27, 2021 at 1:35 pm #18943Anonymous
Grayson, you already know how I feel about this.
November 28, 2021 at 10:29 am #19004Anonymous
Grayson, there were so many moments grunts of agreement rushed out of me. I think I fell in love with the ending the most. This one moves my internal organs.
November 30, 2021 at 11:54 am #19041Anonymous
Grayson! There are so many great images in here, so much detail that creates beautiful moments. I’m pretty sure I walked away with the proper emotional takeaways. I really enjoyed reading this piece a lot, you really got me with the cutting of the birthday cake at odd angles, that image does so much work. Lots of gold.
As a reader I got stuck in a few places as I moved to new stanzas the visuals and metaphors seemed to change or morph into new ideas, still lovely and surreal, but not always tying back to the details of the stanzas that came before. This could very well be my own brain not following along properly, so don’t take that note to heart. One thing Buddy always underscores is the process of going back and making sure that the logic checks out, that the metaphors don’t jump so many clicks out that the reader has no idea how we got here.
There is something very impactful in this piece. Attaching a word doc with specific notes. Take what resonates, delete the rest.
November 25, 2021 at 6:23 pm #18897
Hey everyone! This week I’m reposting my flash fiction piece titled “Leftovers” and I hope you enjoy it!
November 30, 2021 at 12:05 pm #19043Anonymous
I love the humor of this. Would love to see even more inclusion of the five senses. The existential dread of leftovers could make for some startling imagery, would be great to see this piece build like a Dali or Picasso painting. The last stanza gives a hint of this, would encourage you to dive deeper in that direction.
November 26, 2021 at 12:16 am #18899
Also, I revised Rubber Ducks and I really think it came together. If anyone wants to give me feed back on second draft I would appreciate it.
And I know you are busy, Buddy, but I think you would appreciate my revisions (for the most part) to, if you are able to sneak in a couple minutes to read the newest draft.
Thank you all. So excited to be apart of this!
November 26, 2021 at 11:22 am #18901Anonymous
Jessica I really like this poem! Love what you did with a quirky news story.
I’d suggest cutting the line “And I hope you’d keep those ducks and remember” and end with:
“Because it’s beautiful how the damage can make something perfect.
How I got more meaning from the aching of these knees.
How even though I can’t swim I did it.”
November 26, 2021 at 4:51 pm #18919
When we got to “you”, my focus sharpened. I wished their presence was ghostly, but there, earlier. Also: what do you think about dropping the very last it in the last line. It might not pass Buddy’s Logic meter, but I read it the way accidentally in my first pass and liked it.
November 26, 2021 at 6:47 pm #18925
Thanks for the feedback! I’m still playing around with it. :)
November 26, 2021 at 6:48 pm #18926
Thank you for the kind words! I may agree with removing the “I hope you keep those ducks”. Appreciate the feedback
November 26, 2021 at 9:35 pm #18933
Aside from a few grammatical items
They’ve have, in the second stanza,
an extra space between were and swallowed
maybe consider the “I mean” and the “But” and I really
and perhaps add a comma here? swim, I did it.
^^^ all very minor things in comparison to the fantastic edit you did! It’s so good! Yay, you!
PS..> I do not live in a glass house and TOTALLY welcome any grammatical observations in my work.
The bottom 2/3rd’s are the strongest for me as well as the opening line/s. I really felt an overarching inner-strength and fluid grace in this version as well! Well done!
November 26, 2021 at 10:14 pm #18936
I appreciate the editing corrections! I’m going to send you my work from now on lol thank you for giving the poem another go! Such kind words too! 😁
November 30, 2021 at 12:29 pm #19044Anonymous
“To show you I finally found buoyancy.” Love this line.
There is a lot I really like about what you’re doing with this piece. Taking a quirky news factoid and making it poetry. I’m in. There’s gold here. There’s so much room for you to explore within this piece, to build and extrapolate on the misadventures of all these ducks — visually and metaphorically.
In particular these lines, “I want you to see everything each of those ducks went through. / Because it’s beautiful how the damage can make something perfect.” It feels like you could unpack this idea with vibrant visuals. Similar with the line, “And the ones who survived the tidal waves, the tsunamis, the shifting of tectonic plates.” Might be rad if you explored how they survived. Really leaning into the visual of being a rubber duck lost at sea.
By the end of the piece I really wanted “those ducks” to become “these ducks” — you’ve collected them, they’re here now. Try exploring an ending where you actually are able to collect them all. What would that look like? Where would you keep them? What does each one represent?
November 26, 2021 at 11:41 am #18906Anonymous
Hey all, here’s a really rough draft. Any and all feedback welcome.
November 26, 2021 at 4:56 pm #18920
There are so many fabulous gems of language in here, glad-haunt, gnawed; never mind the delicious “teeth on skin, the good pain” a brief moment of lust.
This one has serious gas!
November 26, 2021 at 9:19 pm #18932
Lisa! I’ve never read anything like this before and can’t get enough of it.
“Poem that wanted teeth on skin,
that good pain, to be gnawed down
to a small constellation of seeds,..”
I am in love with this whole poem but this line especially, YES!
November 27, 2021 at 1:39 pm #18944Anonymous
Another wonderful piece, Lisa.
I love the words and the container you put them in. Economical yet incredibly potent. Thanks. Again.
November 27, 2021 at 2:56 pm #18956Anonymous
Thanks for the encouragement folks! Here’s an updated version.
November 26, 2021 at 12:39 pm #18909Anonymous
Hello everyone! I hope all is well <3
Here’s the sub for week 2
November 26, 2021 at 5:04 pm #18921
I appreciated how the tight stanzaic structure mirrored the anxious rage and disappointment in every damn line. Gah, I’ve also felt this way after receiving “health care”, and you nailed that ahhhhhhhhhhhhhheoabgr’ougbrGNSDGKJNxx-like emotion that words rarely relay.
November 26, 2021 at 9:16 pm #18931
Bringing it home every week! So well done and, I felt myself in this piece so hard. Thank you.
November 27, 2021 at 1:43 pm #18945Anonymous
Damn. This packed heat. Thank you, Thaina.
November 28, 2021 at 11:14 am #19010Anonymous
Thaina your work continues to be devastating and skilled. Thank you for sharing this.
November 30, 2021 at 12:46 pm #19046Anonymous
this is a really well-written piece, with a strong message. great structure and use of line breaks.
November 26, 2021 at 12:44 pm #18911Maria BerryParticipant
Hello I’m Maria Berry
Here’s a snippet from a book I’m writing.
November 28, 2021 at 4:15 am #18976Anonymous
Hi Maria, good to see you here. I’m not seeing any text..? And I’d love to read you… :-)
November 26, 2021 at 1:48 pm #18912
Hey there, posting my week 1 piece with minor edits. Honestly dont know how I feel about it, it’s one of my most recent finished pieces of writing. It works within the context of a rock song, but I feel like lyric writing as a medium, particularly with the band I’m playing with is a bit of a trap for me. It’s easy to rely on cliche and different tropes to move the meaning, and I’d like to break out of my trends with writing.
Buddy, you’re the reason I started writing years ago, it means a lot to be here doing this. I never really took myself seriously as a writer until my band became a thing, and I was forced to really finish pieces for the sake of other people. That said, I wrote this in a moment of pure frustration with trying to manage my dad’s addiction over the summer, and I feel like its telling in tone, this is more mean spirited than other stuff I have. Between that assesment and the date it was written, I think it deserves the torture rack. Please do not be afraid of offending me, I want to improve. I really feel like I’m caged in lyric writing and would like to start writing for the sake of itself, outside the context of trying to fit into the mood of the music.
Sorry for the preamble.
I’ve uploaded a recording for context of how it actually sounds when delivered, a capella at least.
November 26, 2021 at 9:07 pm #18930
Nathan, the second draft has a tightness that I didn’t experience in the first draft so the changes you made worked for me. I don’t see “you” specifically in this piece though I do feel it works in the way of mood and how it carries a haunting hum if you will. I liked the line about sirens singing around your head. ( as in real live sirens ) ( or as in the circus that plays in your head kind of sirens ) It was my favorite line!
November 28, 2021 at 4:09 am #18975Anonymous
Nathan, when I listened to you ‘singing’ it, thats when it came alive for me. The internal rhymes, its haunted, dirge-like tones. Such a mood piece.I’m feeling Heathcliff, wilderness on the moor. Love the last 2 lines
Can’t outrun the reaper
Harvest is in season
I did find myself looking up the meaning of the title, and still not sure…obviously a play on revenant..
November 28, 2021 at 10:07 am #19003
Thank you. When I was doing the edit I smashed together revenant and marionette, felt right. Not a word outside of my brain as far as I’m aware, haha
November 30, 2021 at 12:52 pm #19047Anonymous
Tons of great feedback on Sunday. Hearing you perform this added an amazing layer to the text. That last line got me in the feels.
November 26, 2021 at 1:55 pm #18914
Recording wouldn’t upload, here is google drive link.
November 26, 2021 at 2:32 pm #18915Anonymous
Heya creative deities,
I promise I’ll be giving feedback and cheerleading asap (this week has whooped me like a grandma hearing me take the Lord’s name in vain), but for now, here, have a poem. While I like it, I feel like the end isn’t strong enough, and any and all feedback is joyfully welcomed.
Thanks for reading!
November 26, 2021 at 5:15 pm #18922
Somewhere around “were only angels who didn’t think the word yes” I felt this shift from the narrator using you to mean us/the audience to you being the subject of the piece, the human gripped by depression. I loved that. Also, “You are as unlovable as the aurora over snowfields” broke my heart. I loved that too.
November 26, 2021 at 8:29 pm #18929
Kylie, This TITLE!!! Drew me in instantly, it’s SO GOOD! Help ME with titles, please. You’ re clearly good at them!
I am curious what would happen if you played with your opening line a bit. Perhaps, bring stanza four to the the top for example. That line feels more like the kind of heat I want in a first. line. I want to know WHY depression is a helluva story teller. pathological liar. Tell me more! I am thinking of what Buddy said about taking cliches/ideas out for a walk and showing them the world. For me, this translates to a crime scene if you will….. what are the very specific things that pertain to this particular moment/what makes this a crime scene that will lead those investigating to a supporting conclusion. have all of the details been fully unearthed? I hope that makes sense perhaps I’ve had too much turkey.
In kindness, Vicki
November 27, 2021 at 3:31 pm #18960Anonymous
Dude! That last line got me shaky in the heart feels. Good to see you here Kylie :)
November 28, 2021 at 3:46 am #18973Anonymous
Kylie, I love this first stanza! Its straight in, clear and strong. And the freight train visual. Yup, you nailed it with the title!
Until depression freight trains
against every vulnerable part of you
you cannot know
darkness so bright
it hurts your closed eyes
your closed fist
your closed heart.
getting out of bed
is the most profound act of courage
you can make
and you make it look easy
You paint yourself in shades of monstrous
November 28, 2021 at 10:41 am #19006Anonymous
Kylie, this is fantastic! You nailed every jagged puzzle piece depression makes up. I know so many people who would stand up and applaud this piece. Please keep writing!!
November 30, 2021 at 1:45 pm #19048Anonymous
I like this title and the ideas you’re exploring here. I want to focus on the first two lines.
Until depression freight trains
against every vulnerable part of you
My gut instinct is that you have more to say here. My guts says you know more than you’re letting on in these two lines. I’d like to challenge you to unpack this opening statement with searing, unflinching, honest visuals. — What is depression? What does a freight train do? How does depression behave like a freight train? What are your vulnerable parts? Do vulnerable parts bend or break? What are they made of? What happens when a vulnerable part and a depression train collide?
November 26, 2021 at 5:24 pm #18923
Here is a poem. Sometimes context is nice, right? Until I figured out it gave me nasty migraines, I used to enjoy drinking from time to time. This piece is me dreaming about those days.
I’d love feedback along the logic and cliche lines most especially, but am open to whatever your mythic eyes see, and hearts feel.
PS. I LOVE reading all y’alls work!! SO much.
November 26, 2021 at 8:15 pm #18928
Erin, I was unable to get at this and I am so interested in the prelude you’ve given us! It is likely because I’m not that savvy. Maybe others are having trouble, too?
November 27, 2021 at 1:50 pm #18947
Good lookin out, Victoria! I use pages instead of word and it makes messes. Here’s the piece for easy viewing.
Ps. I’m erin with a little e!
A Sort of Love Poem About Getting Drunk
Homemade simple syrup, always.
The familiar camaraderie of sloppy sharing.
Gentleman Jack, always, fresh spearmint muddled
in the ice (from the patch I planted to be like my grandma).
Sugar high booze buzz! Bellinis by the pitcher,
or a singular behemoth ice cube going gong
against the glass
the warm glisten of Bushmills
buzzing down my central channel
toasting tongue to toes.
I abandon the habitual guards: macho and spunk
for the excited tug.
You’re in my space
close up, and not kissing yet
open crooked mouths breathing together.
But that was later, when we were alone.
Your exhale tawny port to
my dirty, dirty martini.
At the moment it’s blistering summer.
We’re cocked on hummingbird red, antiseptic Compari + Soda
and (it really happened) a hedge
of feral howling hounds or curs or coyote
(we can only hear them, no way to be sure)
are nearby setting off their canine fireworks
from long sustained yalps, to staccato yips and yowls.
It silenced our shit-faced mouths.
Later, our crooked mouths almost at impact
breathing in our mutually plastered abandon
alone in the tipsy dark
we enter into a boneless, vital leisure.
As if buoyed in a mutual efflux
all of passion paused
fascinating gladness connects us
before our kisses do.
November 27, 2021 at 3:37 pm #18961Anonymous
erin, with a little e.
This was a trip that I enjoyed!
Particularly from the dogs on down. It just kept getting better.
Your ask was for feedback specific to story so I’ll share that I could do without the second stanza’s asides in parenthesis.
That said, that’s just how my ears saw it.
November 28, 2021 at 3:14 am #18971Anonymous
You’re in my space
close up, and not kissing yet
open crooked mouths breathing together.
November 28, 2021 at 8:51 am #18999
Here are the lines I loved,
“warm glisten of Bushmills
buzzing down my central channel
toasting tongue to toes.”
And the hedge of feral howling, was a wow for me. I agree with Seth so far as the parenthesis. They break up the flow just a smidge for me.
Thank you for sharing, erin!
November 30, 2021 at 3:04 pm #19049Anonymous
holy shit i love this. the language, the structure, the playing with time, the parentheticals. all very good. i read the following lines in particular and out loud i said, “yep, i felt that”
or a singular behemoth ice cube going gong
against the glass
the warm glisten of Bushmills
buzzing down my central channel
toasting tongue to toes.
December 1, 2021 at 10:23 am #19073Anonymous
erin, that poem is so visceral that I needed to stop reading it halfway through because of my complicated relationship with alcohol! Which is to say: well done, that’s some powerful writing, and btw I’m fine and don’t need content warnings on booze writting :)
November 26, 2021 at 7:27 pm #18927
Hello, All! I was going to post a poem about a five hour wait at the DMV this week but this one called to me instead.
cw :: child loss
Also, I don’t have Microsoft Word, apologies.
November 27, 2021 at 4:08 pm #18962
Victoria, this poem is something I am unfortunately all too familiar with and you have the beginnings of a raw poem that many women who have suffered child loss can relate to. This tragic theme has come into play in many of my works so I just want to say thank you for your bravery to share.
For editing, I think there’s a bit too much description that doesn’t move me through the piece and feels out of place. Do another re-read and cut down the filler words and shoot for hard hitting images.
November 27, 2021 at 4:25 pm #18963
Thank you so much for this feedback, it is appreciated. Thanks for roping my mind back into anchoring.
November 28, 2021 at 3:08 am #18970Anonymous
Victoria, These lines sing to me:
I am the child
and she is the book.I am trying to read
her expressions through the feedback
which is pulsing
in place like the whooshing of one
Two weeks before the towers fell,
we buried our third son in Autumn as soles
snapped the skeletons of leaves underfoot
November 28, 2021 at 5:25 am #18984
Damn. I mean I read the CW, but Damn!!! anyway…or, see what Jessica said elegantly and I have said like a high schooler.
in an empty room on a maternity ward as other
mothers are bathing babies. I am far
too old for the crying out.
That image evokes, for me, “bleeding out” because of the motherhood/pregnancy subject; and maybe that’s an example of the hard hitting images Jessica is nudging editing towards.
November 28, 2021 at 11:50 am #19012Anonymous
This piece floored me. Gorgeous line breaks, hard-hitting images, and so much emotion. I love how you varied sentence structures and your stanzas help convey the feelings really well. You are amazing. Beautifully crafted <3
November 30, 2021 at 3:19 pm #19050Anonymous
Victoria, thank you for sharing this piece. A lot to simmer on, many emotions and experiences aptly portrayed in succinct, well-edited lines. The first stanza does a great job of setting a scene. If I can give any constructive note here, I think it’d be to re-evaluate the first line of the second stanza.
I am at the mercy of my inner child’s fear.
There’s either something to be said here that needs to be said more complexly, or this line can probably be cut. Just my opinion, take it or leave. This is a powerful piece, thank you again for sharing.
November 26, 2021 at 10:20 pm #18937
Hey, guys. I am looking forward to spending the next five weeks with everyone!
Let’s all get together on Instagram. You can find me @j.andersenwriting :)
Would love to connect with everyone. Share work and critiques. Tell me I use the word fuck too much lol. And if you feel so inclined to check out my collection “Hot Mess” that just came out through Finishing Line Press I would love and welcome all feedback!
November 27, 2021 at 12:35 pm #18939Anonymous
Sorry to all that I am posting my piece so late in the week before week two of class. Thanks for reading and I look forward to any reflections/feedback.
November 27, 2021 at 12:38 pm #18940Anonymous
Apologies, this forum format doesn’t seem to gel with me attaching Word .doc files. So I’ll post as I did in Week 1, with a link to Google Docs:
November 27, 2021 at 2:00 pm #18950
I love the tight couplets, how they both give and don’t. Until that last pair, and then it was fire. The cheap roses were heartbreaking…
(Ps. Seth, I see what you mean about the Billy Collins echos; when he’s at his most despairing he sounds as good as Matthew does here).
November 30, 2021 at 3:44 pm #19051Anonymous
i love the tone of this entire piece. it’s so calm and relaxed, with a hint of tension. and that last set of lines just floored me.
November 27, 2021 at 1:48 pm #18946Anonymous
I love this. It reminded me of something Billy Collins would’ve wrote – and I mean that in the most complimentary way, Matthew.
November 28, 2021 at 2:56 am #18969Anonymous
Mathew I love this. Its so visual. Taut. Heartbreaking in its vulnerability.Heat in its simplicity. Thank you
November 28, 2021 at 4:19 am #18977Anonymous
I like the way you end this piece
December 1, 2021 at 12:52 pm #19082Anonymous
Love. This was really moving in a way I can’t put my finger on. the line breaks, the tension of the wait, the end where you suddenly see who this person is to you. It just works. Thank you.
November 27, 2021 at 12:39 pm #18941Anonymous
Grateful for all these wonderful pieces.
Only one more sleep, can’t wait to see you again tomorrow.
November 27, 2021 at 2:05 pm #18951
Ooooooooo, that descending pyramid of emotional carnage in the last stanza is precise and so satisfying: both graphically and the word choices. Before that, I wanted more “story”, more logic.
November 30, 2021 at 4:00 pm #19052Anonymous
i was really invested in the metaphor. currency exchange. overall i dig the structure of the piece, but feel it could be a bit stronger and more deliberate; i started to get lost in the line breaks in the transition between the second and third stanza. i was not a fan of the second use of the word ‘whores’ — and the kindergarten reference in the last stanza also threw me off a bit. as a reader it can be jarring to read certain words in certain contexts.
i really like a lot of what this piece had to say, overall it feels like you could dive deeper into the idea of “every body is a sex worker”
November 27, 2021 at 1:53 pm #18948Anonymous
Here’s my stuff for week 2. I’m working towards longer poems, but none of those have come together yet (perhaps! for later weeks!). So here’s a duo of two short poems. I tend to write things in collection, under a theme or something. Brief thoughts. The title is just an indicator of theme, not really something I am attached to. Anyways. Attaching them now!
November 28, 2021 at 4:22 am #18978Anonymous
I like how succinct these pieces are. The second piece is thought provoking.
November 28, 2021 at 5:31 am #18985
Were I not holding a very full cup of tea I would have broken into spontaneous applause at the line “nirvana at the twist”. That rings so true to me!!!!! Also, I agree with Martin and like the succinct/thought provoking density…reminds me of sutras.
November 30, 2021 at 4:08 pm #19053Anonymous
heaven and hell–
a mobius strip road,
these two lines sang to me.
i’m all for brevity. i could learn a thing or two here. i tend to write long-winded diatribes.
December 1, 2021 at 12:57 pm #19083Anonymous
“leaky bags of skin” does it for me ^_^
November 27, 2021 at 3:29 pm #18958Anonymous
It is with great terror I share what is probably the only new piece of work I want feedback on. Buddy if you’re reading this, whatever week you get to me I’d like this to be what you give feed back on, if that’s cool.
I’ve never been more frightened of sharing something so unfinished. This is the closest I think I’ve ever gotten to writing honest abstractions. Not just putting fancy words together so they sound cool and pretentious. That said I’m also afraid the abstractions might be too esoteric at times. I went through this line by line and I know the logic checks out. At least for me it does. I think what I’m getting at is that I’m afraid that an audience won’t see what I do, or (the even more frightening thought) they’ll see more of me than I’d like them to. Maybe that’s the point. Someone once told me that whenever I find myself doing something that scares me I should remind myself to let the fear grow me. Here’s hoping that happens.
Thanks for taking the time to read me.
November 27, 2021 at 5:36 pm #18967Anonymous
Ahmed. My man.
This made me feel on a few levels, as both the reader and as a writer.
As the reader, I loved it, like I do all your stuff. Thank you for sharing this.
And as a writer, I felt like whomever Black Thought was aiming at when he rapped, “ain’t no way that we can rock after them.”
November 28, 2021 at 4:37 am #18981Anonymous
Seth my friend, thank you. You are 100% Dundee <3
November 28, 2021 at 2:44 am #18968Anonymous
Ahmed, So much to love in this. Here are my favourites
find me in the quiet hour…
Looking for the courage it takes to spell out the coward in me
Dreaming about the kind of love the rapture is made of
We stood at the mouth of all this truth.
I just wanted to find freedom bigger than my surrender
A day will come, I promise, when the things you carry will only keep you company and not weigh you down.
Life happens, and we soften.
The stardust had light years…Light years to fall. Take your time.
Let it confetti
November 28, 2021 at 4:25 am #18979Anonymous
“ So find me in the quiet hour…
Looking for the courage it takes to spell out the coward in me.”
I’m feeling that. Thanks.
November 28, 2021 at 5:47 am #18986
There is something honest to these abstractions, as you said. And it is exactly what you feared: I see more of you than you thought you would like for us to. Aaaand, I agree with you, that is the point. The frightening, fuel for growth kind of point.
Also, I don’t know how you snuck into my heart and stole this line:
Give me long enough, and my grace will speak so loud you’ll mistake it for my ego. I swear.
more fav lines (definitely out of order):
I know the mercy begged for powder kegs just so it could turn to light.
The haphazard and the glorious,
So find me in the quiet hour…/Dreaming about the kind of love the rapture is made of
November 30, 2021 at 4:31 pm #19056Anonymous
Ahmed! I could hear grit in the entirety of this piece.
It is okay to be candy glass, even when the rest of the world is a bullet.
This line, and the that last line, “Let this be the worst of it.” really stood out for me. There’s a bit in the middle where the poem feels a little unsure of itself, where it feels a tad repetitive — but throughout this draft there are huge chunks of gold, like “Dreaming about the kind of love the rapture is made of”
There’s a sense of confession in here, a diary’s worth of life lessons, some really sharp lines packed with some serious wisdom. It feels like the structure of the piece could do a better job of supporting those stellar moments. There is so much gold in here, attaching a word doc with some comments on specific lines.
December 1, 2021 at 1:08 pm #19084Anonymous
“Hollow never felt so much like an answer” This.
I hear you that this is a draft that’s still on its journey, but the overall feeling is one of powerful resilience. If that’s what you were going for, you nailed it. Not shying away from the pain and struggle, but holding it with acceptance and hope. Very heartening, thank you. Can’t wait to see where this goes.
November 28, 2021 at 3:21 am #18972Anonymous
Where now, my love?
in this contagious
and hoarse despair
in this magnificent conflicted dream
let’s always convene
to defend life’s fragile glory
back into the cloud flood
just the two of us
dawn’s riot our symphony
dancing on ocean breath
tumbling through and beyond dream
our rainbow reveries
dusting the sky with laughter
yes, my love, take my hand
back to the land of no regret
let’s dervish whirl
into the blue
spin levity’s gilded thread
restitch the joy
November 28, 2021 at 4:35 am #18980Anonymous
Those first four words had me bawling. I don’t know how to articulate this well but I’ll try. This poem reads like a lucid dream. It feels tangible. The imagery was like a ride I never wanted to get off. “Our rainbow reveries” this whole piece is chalked full of lines like that one that made me go “Fuck, I wish I wrote that.”
Thank you <3
November 28, 2021 at 5:55 am #18987
This one paused me, made me read it three times before I got over being sad and feeling the feelings evoked so that I could see how brilliant the narrative/story aspect is. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that the language is so easy to gawk at, because it’s awesome, that it distracted me from the actual bomb going off here, which is that the narrator in this piece knows the way to the land “before sin,/ before lies,/ before god”.
I’ll dervish whirl there with you if you don’t have the position filled :)
November 28, 2021 at 6:25 am #18990Anonymous
Kate. My red pen friend.
I love this. There is a reason Buddy gave you your very own colour. Baby blue.
November 30, 2021 at 4:34 pm #19058Anonymous
restitch the joy
fuck yes. can we swear here. this piece felt like a sweet journey, almost like a lullaby. i read this through a few times. that last line really did what it said.
November 28, 2021 at 4:43 am #18982Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your work. It’s been enriching reading through the pieces.
A piece of mine for week 2.
See you later
November 28, 2021 at 6:05 am #18988
This is a very evocative setting for me– not just because I, too, spent some of adolescence weeping in the bathroom, but some of the lines were freakishly close to how it felt…Jeez, that’s the longest way to say “Yeah, me too md”.
The structure made me a little claustrophobic, which matches the content brilliantly.
I got very uncomfortable at this part (in the damn, that’s a little too close for comfort kind of way, because my guess is that her training backfired, thankfully)
took baths with my big sister – my mother’s psychology of training me to be heterosexual
And that last line folding in on itself gave me the chills.
November 28, 2021 at 7:15 am #18991Anonymous
Hey Martin! I really loved reading this. I’ve attached some notes below.
November 28, 2021 at 10:40 am #19005Anonymous
Thank you very much Cody – I saw the comment boxes but they wouldn’t open for me. But, again, thank you for your consideration.
November 30, 2021 at 4:43 pm #19059Anonymous
Martin, thanks for sharing this. the structure of this piece really works, curious if you might consider throwing the reader one tiny piece of specificity as to who “they” are or more details about the valentine, maybe? i really enjoy the waterfall of visuals in this but i wanted to ground myself in a specific pov, some understanding or idea of how all these visuals ladder back to some consistent through line.
November 28, 2021 at 7:17 am #18993Anonymous
Yo. Another poem. Appreciate any and all feedback. Much love.
November 28, 2021 at 10:44 am #19007Anonymous
I enjoyed reading that Codi. It felt like high romance. One thing I questioned was why the piece is sectioned into for parts – it felt like they tan into each other, as if they weren’t actually separate parts.
November 30, 2021 at 4:50 pm #19060Anonymous
i think i need to digest this more, as i’m not fully sure i *get* it — but i really enjoyed reading it. there’s something happening between these four parts that intrigues me. i’m very much a fan of the moment in the fourth part where “we ate the sun, the stars, the moon, and finally, the earth”
there’s a hint of darkness or at least an allusion to mischief in “tumbling down stairs” and in the ending. again, very intrigued. thank you for sharing.
November 28, 2021 at 7:40 am #18997Anonymous
I haven’t been able to dedicate as much time to this class as I had hoped due to a death in the family and having to drop everything to travel for the funeral, but I’m excited to be able to give my full focus for the next three weeks. I plan on posting the poem I’d love Buddy to review early next week. For now, this is a very rough first draft of my latest poem. I’ve been nervous to post because I am a beginner but grateful for the opportunity.
Happy to be here,
November 28, 2021 at 7:41 am #18998Anonymous
It’s saying the file type isn’t supported so here’s a link:
November 28, 2021 at 10:48 am #19008Anonymous
The first four stanzas – start to sea – had me fully wrapped. You took me right there. An excellent poetic experience.
From sea to the end I felt myself less engaged by the piece.
November 30, 2021 at 4:57 pm #19061Anonymous
Jamie! There’s some great beats in here. The beginning really had me hooked, love the intention of the end, restarting the counting of the freckles. Given the title, I think this piece could lean more into the abstract. As a reader I really wanted to see those portraits come to life.
November 28, 2021 at 9:13 am #19000Anonymous
Hello this is just a repeat of last weeks poem that’s up for critique from Buddy.
November 30, 2021 at 5:02 pm #19062Anonymous
Pete, thanks for sharing this. Buddy gave some great feedback to this on Sunday. Just wanted to chime in and say that I loved “faceful of ashtrays” and “i wanna get drunk, douse myself in warpaint” — the lines in which you nail specific visuals really pop.
November 28, 2021 at 11:08 am #19009Anonymous
It’s 2:00 ET and I am trying to attend the live session at http://bit.ly/HOAHZoom – what am I doing wrong??
November 30, 2021 at 5:03 pm #19063Anonymous
SallyAnn, did you figure it out? Were you able to join?
November 28, 2021 at 2:18 pm #19023Anonymous
Hey Everyone! I’m having all kinds of nervousness posting my writing here. As I mentioned, I’m a closet writer. Mostly writing into my journal to find balance and peace from all kinds of life shit that has happened to me. So I appreciate you reading what I wrote. I don’t know if this is a poem, a muse, a song lyric or my life story. I do know that it is a work in progress, like the rest of me and I will receive anything y’all have to share. So thank you as I drop this here and run away from my Mac for bit while you read.
November 29, 2021 at 4:20 am #19029Anonymous
Barb. It’s a pleasure to have you. You’re in good company here. There is so much I like and so much gold in here and even more that can be chiseled out with some tight editing. More than anything though I want to commend you for showing up. The nerves you’re feeling just mean you care. Let the shakes tremor. It’s just your body giving you what you need to be here.
I feel like there’s little I could point out in terms of editing and that Buddy wouldn’t catch so I’ll save that for the man. Looking forward to continuing to read you in the coming weeks <3
November 29, 2021 at 9:23 pm #19035Anonymous
Thanks so much for your kind words above. Super grateful to be a part of this group and share in the goodness of all of you beautiful and insightful humans. Looking forward to our next gathering on Sunday. :)
November 28, 2021 at 8:47 pm #19026Anonymous
This is one of a lot of pieces I did for a poetry pop-up a couple years ago and I don’t know what I ultimately want to do with it, but I liked a lot of its parts. If it looks funky below, the attached Word doc should be ok.
Hope to have time to respond to the Wk1 and Wk2 pieces so far. Take care y’all!
I wish less folks were too busy to stop
the pink of their lungs up and out
through their throat.
But most people sleep at night and
that’s the kind of vocal cord scarring
you can’t do in the waking snake-along
daytime. Especially here in the heart
of America’s sandbar dick
where every hour from eight in the morning
to six in the evening feels like noon. High
noon. Higher noon than in any western.
Ten million sunbeams a solar blanket on the wind
that carries voice in its nimble fingers. Dulls the sharps,
pulls down the decibels like shade inside window.
I do my best yelling when the sun goes down.
Sound carries farther when there’s fewer sources, when
there’s less radiation to traverse. When
the visible spectrum shrinks to the size of a flashlight
gripped firm in calm unsteady hand. I think
if I scream loud enough tonight I can
hold hand steady long enough to reach
for someone else’s without the shaking shame
prompting me to pull it back the instant I offer it
and hold firm.
When the shaking returns at sunrise I
will still be holding their palm to mine.
Will no longer need to scream.
Will be able to telegraph my thoughts
and let my cords rest
until the next time I wedge a brick into the
inevitable breakneck business of living
and am overpowered by the urge to shoot
my voice out ten thousand miles into
the blackstill night.
November 30, 2021 at 5:13 pm #19064Anonymous
I’m all in for screaming at night. I’m not even sure what else to say. I support you.
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