August 18th, 2010

Dear Prop 8, Mormons, and Orange County,

I officiated the wedding of a straight couple on Sunday and I was thinkin’… I’ve been known to be pretty gay. Shouldn’t this mean their marriage not be recognized? Isn’t the sanctity of a straight couple at risk if they’re married by a gay dude? Shouldn’t straight marriages performed by gay dudes be revoked as a safeguard against burning forever? Please help me help you help God help us, or before ya know it they’ll be letting murderers and animals officiate; maybe even priests. Something more must be done to stop the spread of joy, and butt sex.

Looking to You For Christlike Moral Guidance Because You and Your Divorce Rates Representing Sanctity Totally Make Sense, Reverend Budworth Wakeright

P.S. I feel like y’all should go after the Universal Life Church next, to put an end to the possibility of openly human/gay people presiding over straight weddings. Once that’s accomplished we can begin voiding the millions of marriages performed by such ambiguous clergy. It’s a purification process, and should serve to bring the human race closer together. It may seem like de-evolution or Hitleresque at first, but I for one understand that you have books to live by, like – say – the Bible, which clearly states all sins are measured equally. For instance, if I call you a retarded ape, that’s a sin, unless you truly are a retarded ape, which…
At any rate, please stop.
Abort hateful mission (and I don’t mean the kids you may be raising).